Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Jokes
Some jokes to share:
1)
Cop says," License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. Your license and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving shit out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. Your license and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving shit out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
2)
A man was sitting reading his papers when
his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of
paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races
last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him
on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned' ....
his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of
paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races
last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him
on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned' ....
3)
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an a**hole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a**hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an a**hole!'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic a**hole calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an a**hole!' and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first ass hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**hole, too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is..'
I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax .
It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an a**hole !'
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**holes to call.
Then I came up with an idea.
I called a**hole #1.
He said, 'Hello.'
I said, 'You're an a**hole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah.'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me!'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, 'a**hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole,' and hung up.
Then I called a**hole No. 2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, a**hole .'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'
I answered, 'Well, a**hole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fair fax , and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just in time to watch two a**holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an a**hole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a**hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an a**hole!'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic a**hole calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an a**hole!' and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first ass hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**hole, too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is..'
I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax .
It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an a**hole !'
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**holes to call.
Then I came up with an idea.
I called a**hole #1.
He said, 'Hello.'
I said, 'You're an a**hole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah.'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me!'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, 'a**hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole,' and hung up.
Then I called a**hole No. 2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, a**hole .'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'
I answered, 'Well, a**hole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fair fax , and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just in time to watch two a**holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
Labels: Brighten up your day
and i Always do~